Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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