So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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