well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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