Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
