Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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