$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
