it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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