It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
