piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
