4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
