I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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