She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
