thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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