who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it was like eating out sand paper
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
