we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
