Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
