where am i from again
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
