in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
