Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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