ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
