my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
A+ Viking dick
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
