Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
People in love make me want to vomit
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
True college students do jello shots in the library
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