I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
