you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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