I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
