if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
