Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Found the puke drawer
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
