you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
