Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
pop tarts are not kleenex
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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