if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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