I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
