you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just googled if crying burns calories
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize