The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
