bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize