we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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