I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
