you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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