so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
