There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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