He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
