Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
