I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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