How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
