I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
