I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize