it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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