I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
