so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
