I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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