I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
we're so committed to being not committed
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
His nipple licking is glorious
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