I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
