I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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