He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I got her a Nickelback box set.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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