Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm bleeding and have questions
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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