I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
