When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I am naked and annoyed.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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