Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize