Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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